There's one thing I want you to do for me. Win. Win!
If wasting time were an Olympic sporting event, I’d be the reigning world champion.
And my strongest event would be stupid internet searches. This is where my innate gift for doing nothing even remotely productive while somehow managing to always look busy really shines through. I spend hours, days honing my skills in this one particular area googling all sorts of random, totally useless crap. Why? Because I want to be the best, damn it! Also, I'll do just about anything to avoid actually writing. And this is the most entertaining way I've found to pass the time. (I don't have cable).
Not wanting to break a week-long winning streak, I googled WORST HAIRCUT OF ALL TIME today in a sad attempt to make myself feel better after my hairdresser decided to go all Edward Scissorhands on my curly mane. I wanted to see where I ranked on the list and size up my competition. And not write my script.
These are the top contenders vying for the coveted title:
No amount of smoky eye makeup can hide the sadness behind those eyes. I feel your pain, girl. I was pretty once too. Don't worry, it'll grow back eventually. That's what I tell myself to get through. Wear some big hoop earrings in the meantime. It helps.
THE BRATTY DO
You've got a lot of spunk, kid. I admire that. Don't ever change.
Not many would have the courage to sport such an intricate geometric design on their head or the ingenuity to blend it with impeccably drawn, matching eyebrows. But to top off this masterpiece with the long abandoned SIDE PONY?! Pure. Genius.
The world isn't ready for such a bold visionary. Give 'em time, boo.
...AND THE FAB-U-LOUS
I tip my hat to you, sir. No one can touch you.You soar with the eagles.
THE DAMN UNFORTUNATE
W.T.F. Did you lose a bet? Pass out drunk at a frat party? Piss off your girlfriend who wants to send a clear message that SHE IS NOT THE ONE TO BE CHEATED ON?!
There's a story here. This is just craziness.
THE BRILLIANT RUBY
I have no idea why you came up on this search. You really have no business being on this or any other "worst list". You get a lifetime free pass for your SHEER AWESOMENESS. Be gone, bitch. Bzzzzzzzz.
THE URBAN STANDARD
I rocked the wet curls back in high school, during my Michael Jackson phase. Can't. Even. Front. I'm not proud. But this hardly qualifies as the worst haircut of all time.
THE ALL-AMERICAN FAVORITE
Wait. A. Second. Here. Long, loose layers..of varying disproportionate lengths...that FALL IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES? OH, HELL NO...
Am I sporting A DAMN, FRIENDS CUT?!!
Why, God. No seriously...WHY?!
I can't believe I didn’t see it before. But that’s my haircut right there. If you just added a few more inches to the back, because I asked my scissor-happy stylist to keep it long this time. And then cut some really short, fringy bangs. For added awfulness. You will have achieved my new, furthest-thing-from-cute jacked up Summer hair look.
So I must congratulate my hairdresser on this crowning achievement. After five long years and numerous failed attempts, you’ve reached a career milestone, blowing away the competition by giving me THE WORST HAIRCUT OF ALL TIME.
Way to go, girl. I’ll see you at the victory stand. Seems we're both winners here today.
Note to stylists: The "Rachel" doesn't work on brown girls. Neither does short bangs.
Note to my five readers: This is what comes up when you google jacked up hair. In case, you were wondering.
MOVIE STILLS & QUOTABLES:
1. ROCKY II (1979) Writer: Sylvester Stallone