SOME FOLKS NEED A GOOD SMACKDOWN

I can’t with this whole thing right here.     

I love Mondays. Hard to fathom, right? There’s just something about the start of a new week—ripe with possibilities and new opportunities to cross things off the smug to-do list that taunts me mercilessly on my desk—that fills my soul with glee. I wake up brimming with ideas, eager to get started on the MOST PRODUCTIVE DAY EVER.

My enthusiasm starts to wane though as my priorities inevitably shift. And smacking a random idiot senseless suddenly moves to the very top of my list. 

Because there are folks in this world, who test my limits daily, working my frail nerves until they’ve drained every ounce of human compassion from my body. I know, I'm not alone here. Ever share the road with a lycra-wearing, Lance Armstrong wannabe, who refuses to stay in the bike lane? Or suffer through co-worker small talk about morning commutes? Kill me now. Or stand behind someone at the express lane paying with a check…in 2012…who makes a mistake and HAS TO START OVER! Sweet Jesus, SAVE HER. You want to slap the annoying right out of these possessed fools. 

Often times, a bad hair cut and my vain fear of a potentially tragic mug shot going viral are the only things stopping me. Or perhaps, it's that tiny voice telling me, they ain't worth it. Stop letting stupid things bother you so much. I try. But it's really hard.   

Maybe if I vented, rid myself of any lingering hostility, I can sustain this Monday high? 

With that in mind, allow me to share some of the silly stupid stuff that annoyed, aggravated and just plain irritated me....henceforth known as...

TOP TEN BITCHES I WANT TO SLAP

--POP UP ADS. I was right in the middle of reading an article! Arrrrrggggghhh!!!! 

--People who say "ir-regardless". *smack*

--PINTEREST. I want to slap everything on it...Well, except for this. And this is also pretty awesome.

--FAMILY DRAMA. I've been there. And it's never pretty.   

--I wanted to slap the crap out of this MUSIC VIDEO. Until I caught J Lo's new video. The neon. The harem pants. FLO RIDA?! That's just a tall glass of nothing good.    

--CANCER. A talented actress. And a kind, generous soul. Lupe will be missed. 

--The world's WORST HAIRCUT. A distant cousin of this tired bitch.

--The guy at El Torito's who ordered a happy hour margarita with salt..."ON THE RIM, PLEASE." *smack* 

--TWILIGHTMELTDOWN 2012. Get. A. Grip. Twihards. Listen to NuttyMadam, the sole voice of reason and the only good thing to come out of this whole sad, sordid affair: LEAVE. ROBSTEN. ALONE.

--JUSTIN BIEBER. I had to really think about this one. I couldn't figure out why this kid annoyed me so much. Is it his music? No, I actually like some of his songs, though I'd never admit it publicly. Is it the hair? Not so much, now. His face? That's just mean. Is it his...swagger? Oh my God, YES, thank you! It's the damn swagger. I'm just not buying it. First of all, you're 18. You have no swagger. Sorry, Biebs. It's a fact. Plus you're White, HELLO. There are very few White people can pull off swagger. Eminem: absolutely. Timberlake: astonishingly, yes. Justin Bieber?! Nope, sorry. I find your attempts at swagger personally offensive, and honestly, a bit insulting. You're not some hardened criminal, out on parole, who has been through some real shit. You’re a kid. From Canada! Who sings bubble gum pop. You have not EARNED your swagger, young man. Pick up your pants. And have a seat. The streets thank you in advance.

Wow, I feel SO much better. Thanks for letting me get that all out.

And now, a moment of Zen to start the week on a happy note. Enjoy....