Friday, February 10, 2012


I can’t relate to ninety-nine percent of humanity.

One of my goals for 2012 is to be “less shadyand play nice with other humans in an effort to broaden my ever-shrinking social circle. And already, I’m off to a bad start.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been spending a lot of time alone in my apartment, writing in quiet and blissful solitude, removed from civilization. But it is excruciatingly hard for me to be around other people right now.   

I find mankind. In general. Annoying.

Specifically, I have lost my patience for the incessantly chatty, loud cell phone talking, whiny, opinionated, knowledge dropping, over sharing idiots of the world. And I clearly must find a way to co-exist with them, which is why I’m making a conscious effort to venture outside more often and socialize. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll turn into one of those ostracized eccentrics, like the angry homeless guy in front of Barnes and Noble who welcomes everyone with a passionate soliloquy on his blinding contempt for humanity that ends with an impressive stream of f*** you’s.

There are days when I contemplate joining him. I’m really starting to scare myself. 

What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin'?

So I decided to try writing at a nearby coffee shop this week. Even though its inhabited by the WORST of all the self important, multi-gadget-owning types in La La Land. This special breed have been orbiting their own world for so long, they seem oblivious to just how draining their rude, overbearing and genuinely tiresome behavior can be to the beleaguered masses living outside of planet Bitch I’m Fabulous. It requires a Yogi’s patience to keep a cool head around them. I've tried. And I have failed.

But it’s a new year. I was willing to get back up on the let's-try-to-be-more-social horse and re-enter society. Who knows. Maybe I'd even make a new friend. 

I can be your best friend. Or your worst enemy.
When I arrived at the cafe, I found a table right away which helped set my mind at ease. It's gonna be a good day, or so I naively thought. As I searched for an available outlet, I noticed two options on either side at adjoining tables. I opted for the one to my left underneath Mr. Can't be Bothered, who shot me the briefest look of disinterest before burying his head further into his laptop.

After I plugged in, I sat down and opened my laptop with a smile eager to get to work. 
At this point, a surfer dude in flip flops brushed lazily past carrying a Subway sandwich baggie and a laptop. Turns out he was friends with Mr. Can’t be Bothered. For some odd reason, this dude seemed confused, hovering over their table, turning to me then his friend who true to his name never spoke or took his eyes off the screen. 
As I looked up to find him staring at me, I instinctively went into alert mode as the shady part of my brain thought, “the hell is this fake smiling bitch's problem".  

It appears that we’re going to do battle.


Dude: Um, excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you. But I planned to use that outlet.

(points to outlet bearing his name. I glance over at it, and him, annoyingly).

Dude: I’m really sorry.

Me: -----------------

Dude: I mean if you want to charge it for a bit, you’s cool.

Me: -----------------

There was a LONG uncomfortable silence as I stared at him blankly, while my inner Nene Leakes tried to process this idiotic exchange. 

Is he being serious right now? Bitch you don’t OWN that outlet….

“I planned to use that outlet”. Yeah? And I planned to lose ten pounds last year and earn a six figure income. Shit doesn’t always go as planned now does it...Look at him, standing there with those stupid blonde curls. Thinkin’ he’s cute. You are NOT cute, OK?

Oh my god, he's actually waiting on me to unplug my computer!

Fool needs to sit his ass down. And STOP. 
Oh, it’s on. It’s definitely on.
I toyed with the idea of simply ignoring him and resuming my work, like he was just too stupid to even acknowledge. Then I remembered I was trying to be “less shady”. So I decided to be nice even though IT WAS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY PAINFUL.
Without a word, I removed the offensive chord, held it up to the outlet nazi’s face and stated icily that I’d just plug it in the other side. Then I gave his friend one last dismissive look as I thought: yeah, just sit there. BE a mute. Ya’ll are both lucky I’m in a good mood today. I walked away understandably aggravated. But I was proud of myself for keeping my cool, even though I wanted to slap both of these bitches--one for his inflated sense of entitlement and the other for not telling me his idiot friend might be joining him when I crawled under his table to claim the free outlet.

Eager to put the episode behind me, I headed to the counter to get a much needed cup of coffee. In an effort, I’m assuming to show me he really isn’t a "bad" guy, dude stops me to say “thanks again!” in that way-too-cheery L.A. way. And I lost it, firing back, “Oh no. Thank YOU!” Saddest. Comeback. EVER. So much for staying cool.

Suffice it to say I got no writing done as I spent much of the afternoon, studying this aggravating specimen. I watched him devour his sandwich. I watched him chuckle and tell his friend, “I like your status update”. *eyeroll*  I watched him stand up to stretch, re-adjusting his white plastic belt over his saggy jeans.  He WOULD wear a white plastic belt. *deeper eyeroll*  I watched him talk on his stupid phone using his stupid voice.

I watched and watched. And mostly I hated. It was exhausting.

When I heard him ask the mute if he could borrow a blazer to tape himself performing a monologue that evening, I began to pack up my things. I was officially done. I could no longer silence the wave of shady thoughts assaulting my brain.
I’ll try socializing again when I have regained my sanity. In the meantime, you can find me at the Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica, hanging out with my new best friend.

1. GHOST WORLD (2001) Writers: Daniel Clowes,Terry Zwigoff
2. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975) Writers: Laurence Hauben, Bo Goldman, Ken Kesey, Dale Wasserman
3. THE CABLE GUY (1996) Writer: Lou Holtz Jr.
4. SWINGERS (1996) Writer: Jon Favreau

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