Monday, February 20, 2012


**Following is a post I wrote months ago shortly after I broke up with my boyfriend. I chose not to publish it, because I mostly wrote it for myself. I was pretty mad. And writing about it seemed like a therapeutic way to work through my feelings and release some anger. But in keeping with the theme of this blog to "be bolder" and “hold nothing back”, I thought I’d publish it now.

Can’t think of a more fitting way to end Valentine’s Week than with this last goodbye. 

A relationship is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
If you asked me right now if I had a boyfriend, I really couldn’t give you an answer. Because I honestly don’t know. But I can tell you that I’ve been dating an idiot for the last sixteen months with overwhelming certainty. 

He-who-must-not-be-named certainly didn’t start off as an idiot. In fact, when I met him he was a smart, confident and thoughtful man, always quick to open a car door or pull out a chair for me. He was definitely NOT like the others. We had incredible fun together, and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. It was easy. Effortless.  

But there was one problem. This kind, sweet man came with a LOT of baggage. 

He was divorcing his ex-wife who chose to walk out after ten years of marriage, plus he had custody of their kid and was making the rough transition to single fatherhood.
Of course the shady bitch inside who finds fault with every man threw a yellow flag.

Mmmm-hh. There it is, right there! Bitch is DAMAGED. 
You don’t need that kind of drama, girl. 
Trust me.  This will not end well.

But this was a good man. In pain! His vulnerability only made him more attractive. On some deep romantic level, I probably imagined I could save him; that I would restore his faith in love and we’d live happily ever after. Some. Bitches. Never. Learn.

I’m going to destroy you.

His problems didn't really phase me. I had my own issues, recovering from losing my job and having major surgery to remove a cyst the size of Kansas, just weeks before we met. The truth is he was a welcome distraction from all the self-doubt and uncertainty that threatened to drown me at the time. And he made me really happy, giddy even, so I decided to trust my gut for once and open my heart to this man.

Eventually things got a bit more serious and feelings began to surface. But feelings were another "problem". And suddenly, Mr. Wonderful became Mr. Cold & Distant. 

I like you a lot, but this is all I can give right now. I'm just not ready for a relationship”. 

Hold. Up. Um, I'm sorry...

Men NOT interested in a relationship shouldn’t pursue disinterested women watching football at a local dive bar, ask them out on repeated dates, take them on romantic getaways, make them a sexy mixed cd/tape [oh yes, he did!] say stuff like ‘you’re really important to me’ and basically string them along for AN ENTIRE YEAR. 

Cuz  they might start to think you really care. Just saying.

I gave him his space to work through his issues. Then we settled into a comfortable stalemate as he continued to put up walls while I pretended it didn’t bother me.

So what if he shuts down whenever things threaten to get serious. Or that he goes silent on the phone when I say: I miss you or can’t wait to see you. Or that I’ve never met any of his family or close friends. Or seen the inside of his house! Or that I felt compelled to apologize for introducing him as my boyfriend at a party, because I sensed his discomfort even though we’d been dating OVER A YEAR. Nope, doesn’t bother me. Not in the least. I understand. He’s been through a lot, right? RIGHT?! 

Yeah, pretend it’s not happening.

Who was I kidding. I wasn’t happy. And I couldn’t keep lying to myself.

He once told me that this relationship was incredibly unfair to me. I began to see that he was right. It was all about him. And his needs. I chose to believe that what he wanted was more important, namely someone to take his mind off all his damn problems. And I tried to be everything he needed: fun, supportive, nurturing, understanding. But what about me? And what I wanted? What I wanted was a REAL boyfriend who was there when I needed his love, support and encouragement. 

I made up my mind that I would speak to him as soon as he returned from his business trip abroad. We tried to connect a few times, but he was always too busy or stressed with work to meet. It's been five weeks now since I last heard from him. 

Perhaps, he has come to the same realization I have--that this “relationship” has run its course. Maybe he’s just really, really busy. Too busy to send a text. Maybe he’s embarked on a noble quest to middle earth with some hobbits. Or maybe, he’s just a cowardly idiot. It doesn’t really matter. Much like him, I’ve stopped caring.

It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
I’m moving on. Even though it still hurts and there are days where I must resist the urge to just pick up the phone and call him. Because I wouldn't be happy staying in a dead-end relationship, simply because it’s easy or comfortable. It's just not me. 

Deep down, I know I deserve better. And I want to be with someone who loves me without restraint, who'll stand beside me, happy to call himself my boyfriend.

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